Yup, I'm still awake and I'm thinking about a lot things. I'm going to type down my thoughts and see where they take me.
Parents:
My relationship with my parents is an odd one. Sometimes I feel like I am really close to them, but then at other times I feel I am so far away.
Today was nice, my dad hugged me and said, "Allah irdha `alayki". Really, this made me so happy the whole day, such few words are so heavy in my heart.
[which reminds me, saying "subHan Allah wa biHamdihi subHana Allah il `adhim" is light on the tongue, but heavy on the scales]
Imagine all the things that are easy to say, but what weight they hold to others, subHan Allah.
I asked him during Ramadan, catching him during a very spiritual good mood. Dad, please make a good du`a' for me, and then he said, "Allah irdha `alayki" and I felt he could tell how much I appreciated those words.
But I am distant when I want to make my own choices, I feel like I am not treated as though my words hold weight, I am not given that honor. I feel it is due to the fact that I am so passive about it, I just let them do that to me, let them control my life without much of a complaint. I want to be firm, but I don't want to dishonor them, it is difficult.
My mother, is very social, very talkative, very extroverted, her whole side of the family is like that. One quality of hers that I admire a lot is how if someone is complaining about what she does, she'll sit patiently. For example, we may be on a car ride somewhere and she is driving, and let's say she almost hits a car and then she'll hear complaints about her driving... she'll just sit there and not say anything back. I like that, cool, calm, collected, al-Hamdu liLlah.
ya Allah, Barak Allahu fihum...
I bought my mom a present for `id, I sat in the mall for so long trying to find the purse my aunt described to me that she wanted, and although I couldn't find it, I found the closest thing to it. al-Hamdu liLlah when she opened it, she appreciated the thought, but she is going to return it and go get what it was she wanted, so khayr. al-Hamdu liLlah, I tried, and may Allah accept it from me.
There was a card I placed inside, and it read that I pray her fasting was accepted and that she finds happiness and success in this dunya, and happiness and success in the hereafter... then she said, "I wish I did more." Again, words so light on the tongue but are so heavy. I like to hear people say that, it makes me admire them, to want to do more... barak Allahu fiha, ya Allah, barak Allahu fiha, and whoever reads this please make du`a' for her, may Allah give my mother jannah, Amin.
School:
I miss being in school, studying, reading, writing reports, discussing things with the teacher. There's no doubt that the PhD program is on my mind. Although, I prefer applying for the Masters program, and then if I complete that, perhaps I can then move on to the PhD. Sincerely, I miss reading the books the teachers assign, and just being in a class, sitting down and listening. It is so amazing just to "learn".
I was discussing my future ambitions with my mother, and I told her how I would like to do something other than teaching elementary school. She adviced that I finish my credentials first before going into anything else. Perhaps that's a good idea, since in sha' Allah that is something that can easily be done by me, in sha' Allah.
Sensitive to the thoughts of those I trust and love:
When I trust someone, I am sensitive to what they tell me. I am sensitive to the words of those who are the closest to me. I want very deeply and passionately to be the best daughter, to be the best friend, to be the best companion and subHan Allah too many good suggestions makes me confused at times as to what
I would like to do.
The custodian of the school I work at gave me good advice, she said, "sometimes you need to step outside of yourself
and then look at yourself, and see if you approve." al-Hamdu liLlah I approve of almost everything I am doing, the only thing I am questioning is the teaching position I have right now.
1st grade:
This has been one of the most challenging things I have ever done in my life. Teaching first grade is something I absolutely LOVE and I absolutely HATE. I love the children, I've always loved children, and I definitely love to teach. I hate how many subjects I am preparing for each day (I teach Math, Spelling, Grammar, Science, Reading Comprehension, Social Science, and Health Science).
I hate how much I have to grade, everything I have to do must be done right away or else it all piles up. Nonetheless on the weekends I have mountains of papers to grade. Imagine at least 5-6 worksheets a day during the weekdays (these get done automatically) and on Friday they turn in their homework packet, their spelling test, [I also have a post spelling test, it's a multiple choice selection where two of the spelling words are spelled wrong and one is spelled right] sometimes science test, and sometimes social science test. This weekend I had, their homework packet, spelling test, post spelling test, reading unit test, and social science test. Imagine a homework packet has about 10-15 pages, the unit test being at least 5 pages, and their social science test at least 3-4 pages. Anyways, it's about 20 pages per student, and that times 15 students, it all adds up! That's like 300 pages to grade. It's not like it's hard to grade it's incredibly easy, but I think it's my fault it takes so long, I like to write a note on every single page of their work... I need to stop doing that, it's taking too much time.
Then, aside from the grading, I have to deal with parents. Personally, I love talking to parents and updating them about their child, and telling them in what ways I would like them to help me help their child. What I do not like is some of the pressure I get from them, for example, three parents wanted me to move their child to 2nd grade.. which means it is my responsibility to decide if this child should skip a grade! I had to go and figure out how in the world to administer a test for them to see if they could test out of first grade and figure out what time of day I can give such big tests to them... and al-hamdu liLlah I got through it, and 2 students "might" get moved up. Ya Rabi, al-Hamdu liLlah.
Then I had another issue, with a parent wanting "me" personally to tutor her daughter, I told her about the afterschool program and she insisted that she wanted me to do it. I told her I'm totally fine with it, and then she insisted that she pay me. Okay, no, please ya`ni this is my student I care for her to learn, and on top of that you're already paying hundreds of dollars for tuition and books, leave it alone. Also, I feel uncomfortable around money, as a matter of fact I'm just not a money person, as long as it does what I need it to do, I really don't care much for it. Anyways, after 3 days of trying to get this parent to understand I don't want anything, I finally gave in to make her happy and agreed on an amount, she gave me a dollar value, and I lowered it and made her accept the lower amount. What else could I do? Money is such a weird, weird thing, akh!
But you know, 1st grade I love it. Being with children is amazing, absolutely amazing. subHan Allah, I love it when I talk "with" them, not to them. After salah we always hudle, and talk about what we should do next. I always give them 30 minutes of the day to do whatever it is they desire as a class. I love being at the front of the line and saying with a militant voice, "Atteeeeention!... Form aaa line!... face forward!... left.. left.. left right left... left.. left... left right left....." it's cute. I like, praying with them, I doing gymnastics with them during lunch time.. subHan Allah, I try to get all my work done, copying, classwork grading done quickly just so I can "play" with them. I love to listen to them talk, I've always loved listening to children, I love teaching... presenting them with a new idea and telling them why this idea is so amazing! For example in science, "Class, I have something really cool to teach you! Did you know that the rings of a tree tell you how old it is and how the weather was that year!!! By ring, I don't mean a finger ring, or the ringing of a bell! -smiles- I mean, those circles, they're called rings, look on page 28 is that AMAZING or what?" They easily get excited by it, which is just fun for me. But there's nothing I love more than when I child makes their way to me and sits in my lap and I hold them, something about holding a child that I love. One child got hurt in the playground and I held her, she sat next to me, and I put my arm around her pulled her closer to me and gently rubbed her back and she felt better so she could go, but instead of going back to play she just sat next to me and smiled... I love having children around. When I speak about what I love, I can go on for a long time... I'll stop now just so that I may include some other thoughts at this hour.
What I love about being a full time teacher is that I get to have a real connection with those students. Everyday to be with them for so many hours makes me form a stronger bond. What I hate is how exhausting the work is... lesson planning takes me at "least" 5 hours, and I've been getting such little sleep lately.. I mean, imagine, I wake up for Fajr stay up, and I am there until 5 pm, which isn't too bad, but they're first graders they require so much energy, which I have al-Hamdu liLlah, but perhaps because it was Ramadan I just got draaaaained.
I believe it's so frustrating because things are still new to me. I had to learn how to do so much in a matter of days. al-hamdu liLlah many of the education classes I took helped, but reading and observing something is different than doing. Also, I noticed there were things I learned in the books that once I started teaching I tossed out of the window! Some things just do not work. For example, if a child is doing something bad to tell the child to do it some more, so when a child was crying, I said to him, "cry more"... that got tossed out the window! These children need to be mothered, and I have to be firm yet sensitive.
There's more I can write, but I'm falling asleep, subHan Allah, khayr.
When it all comes down to it we live and learn, and although this whole first grade thing is just so challenging for me right now, I'm positive after hardship comes ease, I just need to be patient... yes, patience is an amazing thing -smiles-
... to be continued, in sha' Allah.
... okay now I'm up, awake, and back:
So where was I? Patience and 1st grade! Here's another thing I don't like. Almost every week there is something that needs to be changed in my classroom, it's as if there is no order. Although I write randomly, and I'm very spontaneous, when it comes to teaching, and when it comes to getting things done I have a certain order about how things need to flow and work. Then I find that the way I am giving them work is wrong, well, not wrong, but it needs to be done differently. I used to do re-teach papers in the classroom, and give them practice papers at home. Turns out, practice should be in the classroom and reteach at home. I used to do spelling in class, and now the office is telling me spelling should all be homework and I'm wasting classtime on that. I'm frustrated, can I please have some order! Please! Can someone just come in and tell me how to do this, just "
once" and for all. I mean, I feel like so many different things are being suggested to me that it's caused me to spin off in this, alright now I have no idea what in the world it is I'm doing.
I thought it was easy, the book has a plan and I'm following it. No it's not that simple, because the book has a plan, the office has a plan, the other teachers have a plan, I have a plan, and somehow all these plans need to come together. At a private school, there are more than one first grade teacher, so what happens they can work together they can assign the same things and help each other out. In my case, I'm "new," I'm the only first grade teacher and I want to call the last teacher and see what she did but it turns out she wasn't all that good. So ... I'm seeking help from teachers, from online, from where ever I can get it, and I'm just hating it.
I didn't even go into the discipline issue. I have students that "hit" each other, I keep sending them to the office this is NOT something I tolerate. I had a talk with them on ways to control it. I discussed with them why this is wrong, and I gave them ways to deal with it. The majority of my classroom are boys, and I remember in Sunday School we had an experiment in which we divided the classroom, one class only girls, one class only boys... and always, the girls were ready to please the teacher, and the boys were rowdy. There is a difference between boys and girls there is NO DOUBT about that, the second grade and fourth grade class only has one or two boys and the rest are girls the whole class is incredibly well-mannered. It's so funny because, the fourth grade teacher I believe has either one or two boys, and there is "one" student in her class that is driving her crazy, and it's the boy. Yes! I am bias on this, because I've substituted before this, I taught Sunday school for years, I've done over a hundred hours of observation, I've completed a teaching program... and I can say from my experience, it's usually the boys that cause trouble. Of course there are girls who can be difficult too, but I'm speaking generally.
Also, I have students who talk over me no matter how many times I remind them of our class rule that we should, "listen while others are talking." I tell them, "I will not talk over you, please don't talk over me." I repeat this many times, I make them read the rule to me, I explain that I don't talk for long. I don't sit up there and lecture them, when I talk it's very brief to the point and then I allow them to talk, come write on the board, and I spend most of the class time talking "with" them. So I would understand if I talked a lot and they got annoyed of me, but I don't. al-Hamdu liLlah.
Then I have a yelling issue. This was more the first couple of weeks then it it is now. In the beginning when I put them in the cafeteria, NO JOKE, they would get out of their seats and run in literal circles around the open area, and I'm just shocked by how they think they can do that. Because so many of them do it, I would raise my voice and command, "Back in the cafeteria! NOW!" Then when they come back, "Do not do that again, first you eat your food, then you can behave this way when we go to the playground, this is not the time or the place to do that!" I repeated myself for 2 weeks, and I did not understand why it took so long for such a simple rule to be followed. I got over the yelling thing, it's hard for me to do, my heart feels like it tightens and I feel awful, just really awful doing it.
I realized that they walked all over me the first couple of weeks was because I had more "reward" for good, then I had punishment for bad. At first it was, if you're bad I'll warn you, and if you're worse I'll warn you again... and maybe talk to your parents, and if you hit someone you get sent to the office. Now, it's fully established, strike one, strike two, strike three you're out! A child can lose recess, a child can lose their lunch time with friends, I can call their parents, I can send them to another class to do their work... khayr.
I come home, and I think first grade, even in my sleep I dream first grade... al-Hamdu liLlah for everything. First grade, it's bittersweet now, but in sha' Allah it'll get to the point in which it stays sweet.
I saw one of the teachers at `id, and she came and talked to my mom, she told her that I was the "star of the school." That was nice of her, those words made me feel good, because for one I value her opinion because she is a teacher I respect and admire a lot. Also, because as frustrating as things get, it's nice to feel like you're still doing a good job. I get complimented from the office, from the teachers, from the parents, from the students... subHan Allah, but most of all, I'm doing this for the sake of Allah, so my ultimate desire is the pleasure of Allah... ya Rab, these compliments mean nothing if He is not pleased with me, subHan Allah, may Allah make me better than what they see me as.
Marriage:
It's hard for me to understand why some people would make what is really easy, very difficult. It's not right, and it causes fitnah.
When I think about marriage, I think about it being something that is more difficult than teaching first grade, but something I definitely want to experience. It is probably going to be more difficult than teaching first grade because with a marriage, there's so much to be doing and so much more to be responsible for. It's all about accountability, as a teacher I'm accountable for the reputation of the school, for each and every child, for getting all my work done. With marriage, there's even more accountability, I become responsible for the way I maintain the house, for the way I treat family and friends. I become accountable for everything that is said and done towards my husband. I become accountable for how money is spent and how I spend my time. This is not including children that may be in the picture, in sha' Allah.
With teaching it's really only a year, and then I get a new set of students, but with a marriage it's a lifetime and so everything said and done must be said and done to the best of my ability because it will make a difference over how the trust is kept and how successful that marriage will be.
Having just some understanding of the weight of responsibilty that will come with marriage, it's still something I want to experience. I don't want this process to be postponed so much, because I understand that it will take time to develop trust, and routine, and comfort with the husband. [al-Hamdu liLlah, I am interested in someone and I just can not see it being difficult to establish trust, routine, and comfort with that relationship, if it in sha' Allah works out] I want to not necessarily to hurry up the process, but to see it progress and then to pass because I want the difficulty to be over, so as like people say, "to settle." The way I understand it, we don't settle until we have order, and it takes time to create that routine, to create a way for things to function comfortably... but in some cases, it becomes automatic. There have been new environments in which I entered and I adjusted very easily and comfortably to it, but there were also environments that took some time before that happend.... I really don't know what to expect out of marriage "exactly" but I strongly feel that if two people come together with the same values, and same determination to make it work then there should be an easy transition, wa Allahu a`lam.
Allah knows what is best, and I hope with His wisdom that I am put on the straight path.
Allahu musta`an. wa salati wa salam, `ala rasuli Allah.
subHanaka Allahumma wa biHamdika ash hadu al la illaha illa Allah, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk.
I have more thought to jot down, but I should get off the computer and do something else -smiles-... khayr, until then, wa `alaykum al salam.
