ups and downs

with this whole process of marriage i have hit some ups, and some downs..

ups in the sense that with the person i am really interested in, i have only tasted sweetness, i only know happiness...

however, with my parents it has been bitter, and with my family bitter... and what some friends had to go through.. bitter..

i'm wondering.. am i being selfish? am i doing what is right? that's the main question : is what i am doing pleasing Allah?

am i pleasing Allah with this?

subHan Allah, at times i think so, and at times i just don't know.

i think so because i see benefit in this getting to know, in this type of relationship, i feel like i am going to go into something that will help me increase in my iman, and my `ibadah...

but then i see that i have failed with my family, that they are increasing in anger and frustration with me, that i am hurting them...

and i'm stuck in the middle... and so i pray for some type of refuge, something to fix everything... some type of answer to all of this...

am i so arrogant to think that everything should work in one way and only one way, that i should have what i want, and i'm going to work on it until i get it? am i being arrogant?

my mind is clouded with thoughts, and i feel like i simply don't know what to do anymore, and if i'm doing anything right... i need things to get cleared up, it's as though everything is blurred.

i think i know what i want to do.. but at times i'm not sure...

ya Rabbi... you said that the victory is near...