... ya Rabbi, ya Rab.

al-Hamdu liLlah by the mercy of Allah we got a substitute teacher to come in and fill for me for a few hours while I went to Priya's memorial.

Before I got there I thought it would be nice to pick up a card... so, I made a quick stop at the next market center. Looking to see if there was anywhere to buy a sympathy card I finally looked through one stores window and I saw some. I stopped my car and I hadn't noticed that those cards were inside of a Liqour store. Usually when I am by someone smoking I hold my breath, this time, walking in that store I felt like I was holding my heart. There was a man standing outside of it and he greeted me with, "al-salamu `alaykum" ... -silence- ... "um, wa `alaykum al-salam" -small smile-

I believe he could tell I was uncomfortable in his store. I quickly looked for a card, found one and went to pay. Then he gave me my change and I quietly told him, "Jazak Allah khayr" ... I'm hoping Allah will use me as a tool for him, in sha' Allah. In my hand a sympathy card, on my head a scarf, perhaps it may serve as a reminder. ya Rabbi. I felt like telling him what he was doing was wrong, but it's not like he doesn't know... -sigh-

Then I got there, and by the door there was a big frame with pictures of her as a baby, then a toddler, and on and on. There were pictures of her laughing, smiling, standing quietly... being human.

My eyes watered, the people around me had red noses, red faces, it's obvious they had been crying. I didn't want to start them up again, so I held my emotions to the best of my ability.

They brought her body into the chapel and when they opened the casket her mother went to her body. Her mother went up to her body and she cried, and cried and cried. Sitting next to me was KA's mom, and I was thinking to myself while looking at Priya's mom how we really don't know what could happen. Here there were two mothers, one celebrating her daughters wedding, another grieving her daughters death... it's all decreed.

It came to our turn and we had to walk past the casket. As part of their ritual we held some rose peddles to put over her body. Priya was dressed in a red sari wedding gown, and the music in the background wasn't depressing it sounded like someone was getting married.

I was scared to look at her, I never looked at a dead person in the face. I saw her face, it was her... that's Priya. I then gazed at her hands, they were just laying there lifeless and swelled. Being there my tears dried, I couldn't cry all of a sudden, it was a weird type of shock. I felt like time has stopped for moment, and there I was, and there she was, and everything has paused. I thought about her soul, ~what is it going through?~ that was something that I kept thinking, and asking myself.

I turned away from her, I couldn't look any longer. I looked at her mother, and walked up to her and hugged her... I can only imagine how hard that must have been for her. The father with watery eyes stood silently by.

When I first arrived her father approached me, I stepped back and said, "It's my religion" and then lowered my head to him and gave him a slight smile to show him I cared. I remember 2 years ago when I went to visit her in the hospital, I allowed her father to hug me, I felt bad afterwards for compromising my religion. I just hope I made the right choice, we are living to worship Allah.

I stayed there for a while, and when I was going to leave, I went up to the mother gave her the card I bought and told her what I remembered about Priya, I said to her, "Your daughter has made an impact to my life, I remember waiting in front of class and she would come and talk to me... she would see me at a distance and she would come and talk to me, her friendliness is something I hope to always remember..." She teared up, I continued, "I'm telling you this so that you know how special your daughter was to me, she was special to a lot of people, and honestly we are all going to follow her... she just went first, that's all, we're all going to follow." The mother stopped crying at that point, I feel that those words made her realize something, Allahu a`lam.

I then left.

The man at the door asked if I wanted directions to the cremation service tomorrow, I told him, "No, I had enough, that would be too difficult." I said that mostly because I believe cremation is wrong, and to think she would leave this world like that is bothersome to me. Maybe I should have said something... ya Rab.

Then I left, and I went back to the school. Why is it so packed at the masjid? It's not jumu`ah is it? ... subHan Allah, another death had occuried and there was a body there, and many many many people have gathered to do salat al janazah. This time though, in my heart, I felt peace. I heard Qur'an playing loudly from the masjid, that was odd, I had never heard that loud of Qur'an before, odd.

I got back and took over my classroom. I got back in time for my class to pray dhuhr, and this prayer, I felt it more than I have felt other prayers. I felt so fortunate to be able to make sajdah to my creator one more time, so fortunate to stand and recite Qur'an... khushu` that component of prayer we always look for, it clearly was there.

~

... ya Rabbi, ya Rab.

inna liLlah wa inna ilayhi raji`oon