Spreading Heart

bismi Allah... bismi Allah... bismi Allah... and astaghfur Allah just because i feel closer every time i say it to Allah, and astaghfur Allah because this word makes me happy.. and astaghfur Allah because tension leaves my body.. and astaghfur Allah because my heart widens.. and astaghfur Allah because i'm such a sinner.. and astaghfur Allah for what I will say that contains any vice.. any vice.. any vice at all... astaghfur Allah wa atubu ilayk ghufranika ya Rabbil `alamin...... astaghfur Allah.

wa al-salatu wa al-salamu `ala habbibina Muhammad salla Allahu `alayhi wa sallam...

Today I left the house some time around 5 in order to get to school by 6 am. There was a limousine waiting to take us to a spelling bee. Driving to the school I noticed the sky, it was a pink and purple.. so beautiful. I felt like taking a picture of it, just to remember the beauty of that morning... truly, subhan Allah.

Then I got to school, and the limousine was huge, it was exciting going in there with the children. The children were so excited and that made me happy, subhan Allah happiness is contagious.

Before we left, one of the fathers told me to watch out for his daughter because she is extra shy. subhan Allah, she was shaking.

There are different levels of shyness, and to me the most horrible stage is the "shaking" stage. If any limbs shake, that's when it's bad. For instance, my lip twitches when I feel really shy or nervous, or my knees, subhan Allah I know the feeling.

I took the girl who was worried to the side and I told her. Make du`a', although you think that this competition is about who knows the words, truly it's about who puts their trust in Allah the most. If you make du`a', you're a winner. Then she said, "I want to get first place." I told her, "what if someone studied more than you did? what if someone worked harder, isn't that person more deserving? make du`a' that the most deserving person wins, even if it's not you." She smiled. I told her, "listen, you're making du`a', you've already won, and not only that, think of it this way.. which goal are you more interested in Jannah? or the Spelling Bee?" She smiled, "Jannah." Then she explained how calm she felt and happy she was.

So it was time for her to go up, and subhan Allah, on the first round she was so shy and scared that she misspelled the word. She came back saying, "I did that on purpose I couldn't stand being up there, i'm too shy." I told her, "don't worry about it, I love you all the same." At that point I kissed her head and squeezed her next to me. I felt her body still shaken, and after just a few minutes, she had calmed down. Barak Allahu fiha.

I let everyone in my group know that I sincerely didn't care if they got first place. I told them have a great time competing and do the best you can, and you should be proud of your own effort. It calmed them down, and subhan Allah, we had a great time. No one got a trophy, but that's okay, when we were on our way back to the school all the children were laughing, saying that they'll try harder next time and they were all just really enjoying themselves. al-hamdu lillah. They did the best that they could do, and there's nothing more that I can ask for than that.

I know that my students had memorized completely the first grade and second grade spelling list, and I know that they know all the words on there... so, if they stumbled on stage, it really doesn't matter, I know they know it, and they know that they know it... and more importantly Allah knows how much they studied. -smiles- Dunya, it troubles people too much sometimes.

I saw children in the hallway crying frantically to their parents. I saw children complaining about losing. I mean, what for? subhan Allah, the students from our school were content with themselves and had a good time.

There's nothing more that I hate in a student than lack of effort. As long as I can see that they are truly putting in everything they've got, then I am very content with them and with all my heart make du`a' for their success. I notice sometimes my students get lazy, but quickly I snap them out of that. If things aren't done right away, then slowly and surely a personality of procrastination, and laziness develops, and it's such a taxing vice!!!

subhan Allah.

Then I came home spoke to one of my friends on the phone, and listened repeatedly to Anwar Awlaki's CD's about the 25 promises of Allah. I felt my heart widen, spread... and it just...

it made me want to quit every vice I'm doing, every single sin. My Iman feels at the level that I want it to be, high, very high al-hamdu lillah.. and I know it's high because I feel as though Allah's so near. It's a closeness feeling a feeling of... ya Rabb... like Allah is right over me, as though I can see him there, and I'm afraid to lift my head and see His Greatness from its magnitude and intensity. Allahu akbar!