Between Parent and Child by Dr. Haim G. Ginott (my notes)

Chapter 1: The Code of Communication: Parent-Child Communication

• Children's Questions: The Hidden Meanings
• a child's questions reflect their insecurities, make them feel safe
  
• A child's "feelings" should be taken seriuosly even though the situation is not serious
• tool - reflect the feelings of the child
• When children feel understood, their lonliness and hurt diminish and love for their parents hightened. A parent's sympathy serves as emotional first aid.
• Neither accuse nor blame
• Don't say "Why are you angry?" it's better to say, "I see that you are angry."
• Acknowledge the child's feelings
• Most parents are unaware that it is futile to try to convince children that their complaints are unjustified, their perceptions erroneous. It only leads to arguments and angry feelings.
  
• Fruitless Dialogues: Preaching and Criticizing Create Distance and Resentment
• Conversations sound like two monologues, one consisting of criticism and instructions, the other of denials and pleading.
• it's not a lack of love, but a lack of respect, not a lack of intelligence, but in the lack of skills.
• we need to learn a caring way of conversing
• Communication for Connection: Respond to Children's Feelings Not Their Behavior
• Communication needs to be based on respect and on skill
• preserve the child's and parent's self respect
• statements of understanding precede statements of advice or instruction
• When children are in the midst of strong emotions they can't listen to anyone
• they want us to understand what is going on inside them, what is going on at that particular moment
  
• We phrase our words so that we understand what they have gone through:
• examples:
• "It must have been terribly embarrassing."
• "It must have made you furious."
• "You must have hated the teacher at that moment."
• "It must have hurt your feelings terribly."
• "It was a bad day for you."
• usually, disturbing "feelings" fuel misbehavior
• feelings must be dealt with before behavior can be improved
• unfortunately, we have not been brought up to share our feelings, we don't even know what or how we feel.
• parents should learn to hear the feelings of fear, despair, and helplessness that the angry outbursts hide.
• instead of reacting, parents should respond to the child's feelings and help them cope.
• when children feel right, then they can think clearly and act clearly
• strong feelings do not vanish by being banished
• Principles of Conversation: Understanding and Empathy
• Behind many childhood questions is the desire for reassurance.
• The best answer for such questions is the assurance of our abiding relationship.
• When a child comes home with a host of complaints about a friend or a teacher or about his life, it is best to respond to the feeling tone, instead of trying to ascertain facts or to verify incidents.
• It is a deep comfort to children to discover that their feelings are a normal part of the human experience.
  
• Responses to when a child says, "I'm not good at arthmetic."
• "Arithmetic is not an easy subject."
• "Some of the problems are very hard to figure out."
• "The teacher does not make it easier with his criticism."
• "Arithmetic makes you feel stupid."
• "I bet you can't wait for the hour to pass."
• "When it is over, you feel safer."
• "Exam time must be extra tough."
• "You must be worrying about what we will think."
• "you must be afraid we'll be disappointed in you."
• "We know some subjects are not easy."
• "We have faith that you'll do your best."
• When a child declares that he is stupid or ugly or bad nothing that we can say or do will change his self-image immediately.
• The best help we can offer is to show that we understand not only how this must make him feel, but its specific implications.
• Fish Swim, Birds Fly, and People Feel: Mixed Feelings and Mixed Messages
• Children love and resent us at the same time
• children need to know that ambivalent feelings are normal and natural
• We spare a child much guilt and anxiety by acknowledging and voicing those ambivalent feelings:
• "You seem to feel two ways about your teacher: You like her and dislike her."
• "You seem to have two feelings about your older brother: You admire him, but you resent him."
• "You have two thoughts on the subject: You would like to go to camp, but you also want to stay home."
• if mixed up feelings could be understood, they're not so mixed up
• where there is love, there is also some hate, where there is admiration there is also some envy, where there is devotion, there is also some hostility, where there is success, there is also apprehension.
  
• it takes great wisdom to realize that all feelings are legitimate: the positive, the negative, and the ambivalent.
• judgement of feelings and censure of fantasy would do violence both to personal freedom and to mental health
• it is more important for a child to know what she feels than why she feels it
• Mirroring Emotions: Reflecting Children's Feelings Helps Them to Understand How They Feel
• reflect feelings as they are, without distortion
• "it looks like you are very angry."
• "It sounds as if you hate him very much."
• "It seems as if you are disgusted with the whole situation."
• We should offer time and compassion
• As they "feel" peaceful, then the best solutions could be found

Chapter 2: The Power of Words: Better Ways to Encourage and Guide

• Isn't Praise Good for Children Anymore?
• Doing Something Well Does Not Turn You Into a Good Person
• Praise may result in tension and misbehavior
• Children need to be free from the pressure of evaluative praise so that others do not become their source of approval.
• When parents tell a child, "You are such a good boy," he may not be able to accept it because his own picture of himself is different.
  
• In contrast, when children are praised for their efforts, they become more persistent in difficult tasks.
  
• Desirable and Undesirable Praise
• Praise should deal only with children's efforts and accomplishments, not with their character or personality.
• Words of praise should mirror for the child a realistic picture of her accomplishments, not a distorted image of her personality.
• The child may think, they find me so great, they cannot be so smart.
• Learning the Process of Praise
• Has 2 parts: what we say to children and what they say to themselves
• description that details delight and admiration, words that convey recognition of effort, and statements that transmit respect and understanding.
• it's good to say, "you must be so proud" instead of, "i'm proud of you." because that way the child can develop inner pride.
• Helpful praise: Thank you for washing the car; it looks new again
• Possible inference: I did a good job. My work is appreciated.
• Unhelpful praise: You are an angel.
• Helpful praise: I liked your get-well card. It was so pretty and witty.
• Possible inference: I have good taste. I can rely on my choices.
• Unhelpful praise: You are "always" so considerate
• Helpful praise: Your poem spoke to my heart.
• Possible inference: I am glad I can write poems.
• Unhelpful praise: You are good poet for your age.
• Helpful praise: The bookcase that you built looks beautiful.
• Possible inference: I am capable.
• Unhelpful praise: You are such a good carpenter.
• ... etc.
• Providing Your Child with Guidance Rather Than Criticism
• In guidance we state the problem and a possible solution. We say nothing to the child about himself or herself.
• ex: spilled juice
• Mom, "I see the juice spilled. Let's get another glass of juice, and a sponge."
• Mom, "I was tempted to say, 'Next time be careful,' but when I saw how grateful she was for my benevolent silence, I said nothing."
• deal with the event, not the person
• When Things Go Wrong, Respond Rather Than React
• ex: a cup breaks
• "Cups break so easily. Who would have thought that such a small cup could maek such a big mess?"
• Minor mishaps can earn a child major values
• broken egg is different than a broken leg
• "So you lost yoru glove again. That is annoying. It's regrettable, but it is not a catastrophe. It's only a mishap."
• Abusive Adjectives Harm Our Children
• if we want our children to grow up feeling confident and self-assured, we need to take every opportunity to emphasize the positive and avoid demeaning comments.
• Congruent Communication: Have the Words Fit the Feelings
• We would like to believe that patience is a virtue. But is it? Not if it demands that we pretend to be calm when we feel agitated, that we not act the way we feel, that our behavior, instead of reflecting, hides our true feelings.
• Children need congruent responses.
• They want to hear words reflecting the parents' true feelings.
• Children also need to know that anger does not mean abandonment.
• Handling Our Own Anger
• It is important to have deliberate procedures that methodolically reduce tensions before tehy lead to explosions.
• Be aware of your anger and respect it.
• Anger is a source of information, indication that you care.
• Express anger without insulting.
• "I'm angry, I'm mad. I've bought you six baseball shirts and they're either mislaid or lost. Your shirts belong in your dresser. Then, when you need them, you'll know where to find them."
• describe what you feel, and what needs to be done in the future to avoid unpleasantness
• Anger should be expressed in a way that brings some relief to the parent, some insight to the child, and no harmful side effects to either of them.
• Three Steps to Survival
• 1. We accept the fact that we will sometimes get angry in dealing with children.
• 2. We are entitled to our anger without guilt or shame.
• 3. Except for one safeguard, we are entitled to express what we feel. We can express our angry feelings provided we do not attack the child's personality
• Sometimes the mere statement of our feelings (without explanation) stops the child from misbehaving.
• I feel angry
• I feel very angry
• I feel very, very angry
• I feel furious
• next step is to state the issue.
• parents need to express to their children safe ways of expressing anger.
• if a child asks repeated questions, and you are getting irritated, do not reply with direct answers, it will only encourage more questions.
• Responding to an Angry Child: The Method is the Message
• don't respond by reasoning, respond by emotional aid
  
• respond to upset feelings, rather than irritating behavior
• focus on diminishing the anger, and don't ask unhelpful questions
• bad questions: "who started it?"
• "why didn't you just.."
• "couldn't you have.."
• An empathic response that mirrors to children their upset feelings and expresses the parents' sympathy and understanding is effective in changing children's angry moods.
• getting angry need not alter one's loving feelings for oneself or others
• whenever possible enhance your child's self-worth
• Words Have the Power to Build and Energize or to Frighten and Devastate
• notice and appreciate efforts
• evaluation causes anxiety and resistance
• with problems, look for solutions, don't blame or criticize.. even in anger
• have respect and mercy
  

(al-Hamdu liLlah, I'm going to stop posting my notes... but I strongly feel this is an important book for anyone who has or is working with children)